SAHM, I am

Well, I did it.  I resigned from my full time job today and will soon be transitioning into the wonderful, hectic, sometimes absurd, but always worth it world of being a stay at home mom (SAHM). 

It's been a while in coming...every time I'd take one step forward, emotionally, mentally or logistically, I, someone or something seemed to push me two steps back. I would cry on the drive home from work because I missed the kids so much, but then I'd run the numbers that evening and not see a way out. I'd decide that no matter how tight or stressful it may be, getting to be with the kids everyday is worth it, but then I'd panic about the unknown and not follow through with a resignation.

There have been lots and lots of "what if..." and "if only..." days in the past year. It's been one of the very rare instances in my life when I've made an extremely slow, calculated decision. (Not that I'm not normally thoughtful, but I've honestly analyzed the hell out of this one!) I weighed every possible pro and con and frankly, just sat on what became an obvious decision for a few months. 

Then, finally, I got tired of {waiting}. Waiting for the numbers to work out. Waiting for an easy answer to appear. Waiting for the ideal situation and timing to present itself. Waiting for someone else to decide for me.  Waiting, waiting...why? 

I finally had to ask myself, what am I waiting for?! Days become weeks, weeks become months, months turn into years and now we are about to celebrate my baby girl's first birthday and my son's second. It all just goes by sooo fast and is not worth spending any of it {waiting}. 

This "seize the day" mindset is actually what resulted in us having children in the first place. After an 8 month foster-adopt situation crashed in around us three years ago, we were forced to relinquish our relatively new role as mommy and daddy and give the child back. My heart was totally broken and emptied through that experience. It felt so unnatural not to be someone's mama. After looking into a couple adoption alternatives, we decided to go the old-fashioned route and have our own children. I just couldn't bare the thought of another long, heart-breaking {wait}.

In only two months, we were pregnant with our amazing son, Kyler. I was a mama and my heart started to beat again. Little did we know that two months after his birth, we'd be pregnant again with his little sister, Havyn. Mama x2. Doesn't get much better!

But life takes money and money takes work and after each maternity leave I returned to my fulltime job with lots of mixed emotions. Until today. Today I decided to stop waiting and will deal with the consequences as they come. Money will be extremely tight and we're going to have to say "no" to lots of extras. I may become unhirable or out-of-touch. There will be the usual stress and exhaustion, but there will also be a deep knowing that this is where I am supposed to be. With my kids, helping them learn and grow and experiencing this crazy world together. Just being a mama.

SAHM, I am.

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